Things seem to go especially wrong when men try to describe what they want on Tinder. I assume this is true of women describing what they want as well.

There’s just something so damn awful about listening to a person lay out their expectations for someone they haven’t even met yet. It never comes across as helpful. It comes across as so entitled. I am not on Tinder to apply to be your girlfriend. This is not a you-buyer/me-seller situation. We’re both in charge of selling ourselves and seeing who lingers while eyeing the goods.

Describing what you expect from a woman doesn’t remotely make me want to hang out with you—pay attention; this is important—even if I think I am all of those things you’re describing. Plus, if you name even one thing that I’m not…I take that really seriously. You’re telling me what you want, and I am going to believe you. Wise woman Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

When in fact you might actually be willing to date a girl who a) Yes! also likes Christmas trees for the lights and ornaments and smell, b) Yes! also likes carrot soup but not raw carrots very much, c) No! dealbreaker or not?—my favorite character on The West Wing is CJ, not Leo.

I’m going to assume it’s a dealbreaker if it was important enough to list in your profile. Next!

(I imagine Tinder is sort of like the world’s longest baseball game, with lots of ejections and very vocal umpires with raw accents. GET HIM OUTTA HERE! they yell. The source of this is not mysterious at all. When I invite my co-workers to give opinions on Tinder profiles or dates, they repeatedly yell, GET HIM OUTTA HERE! in old-timey accents.)

This George Washington
Athletic build, nice teeth, work in transplants. I am active. It would be great to find someone who loves hiking, being active, the 90’s, watching karaoke, traveling, tubing down the river, paddleboarding, and going to concerts.

This guy who owns shares in ophthalmology
Plus if you wear glasses but not required.

This deep pond (of well drinks)
Well hey there. I am addicted to coffee/books/jeopardy/mythology/happy-hour/so-cal/paddle boarding/skiing/morning smokes/moscow mules and trivia nights. Blonde hair with dark eyebrows is kryptonite. I’m looking for friends with the same interests just as much as dating. You are thin and like a good drink. I am self employed. A single daddy.

This stage 5 clinger
Independent and fun-loving girls only please.

This President of Mensa
I only date smart women.

But Mormons often are all of these things plus they know how to bake bread
Today was awesome, tomorrow will be even better. I have a great life and wouldn’t mind sharing it. Are you looking for a hard working, funny, accomplished kinda guy? You must be beautiful, fit, adventurous, and smart to get my attention. I enjoying biking, cooking, rock climbing, backpacking, flying, coffee, and music. Now how do I filter out all of the Mormons?

This bland bread who just wants you to spread like butter
As far as what I like in a woman…well, I’ll put it like this…woman are the excitement in a mans otherwise bland life! Ladies balance us guys out. You make us do things that we never thought we could just to impress you. A womans presence…thats what I like.

This certified original who likes attractive people and body parts
I’m a sucker for a fit body, pretty eyes & a nice smile. And collarbones.

This flesh-eating disease
I am a control freak who looks at every marilyn Monroe poster in the corner of girls rooms like it’s a live viper. Please only message me if your self esteem is so low you are borderline bulimic.

This mechanic who definitely will not make honking noises when he squeezes your boobs
Creative, handsy, into women with parts to grab onto. I’m into big, thick thighs and cute smiles.