Catherine Smyka is a Seattle writer and founder of the quarterly literary journal T(OUR) magazine, which focuses on LGBTQ stories and artwork. She also works for The Stranger and performs non-fiction narratives with The Moth and Fresh Ground Stories. She and her staff of 10 produce the quarterly journal, and keep a literary blog. Plans for a community center in Capitol Hill, a storytelling podcast and a reading series are in the works, as well. The Monarch Review chatted with Catherine about T(OUR)’s history and Smyka’s relationship to it. 

Jake Uitti: When you started T(OUR), what was your biggest worry?

Catherine Smyka: My biggest worry was the response from the writing community. I was still fairly new to Seattle, and I’d already heard about the incredible opportunities around the city with Hugo House, with Writers in the Schools, with Seattle Arts & Lectures, with Bent, with the APRIL Festival. I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes with this new queer project. I feared people were already settled into the writing scene, and no one would want this big queer storytelling publication. And the exact opposite happened! Folks from all corners of the city reached out with a helping hand for T(OUR). Complete strangers Facebooked me to say they wanted in – that’s how two of our current staff members came on board. The more we talked about T(OUR), the more people wanted in. A year later, I’m still blown away by the support.

JU: What’s the most surprising thing that’s happened to you since the project began, other than the outpouring from people?

CS: How honest and personal the submissions were, and continue to be. There are details of relationships, friendships, and coming out experiences that it seems like many people want to keep private, and yet they emailed a complete stranger to give me the 411. That’s so brave! And also overwhelming. It’s like, “Oh, now I know exactly what you did in a high school band classroom, and yet you don’t even know my last name.” It’s crazy! And it’s also one of my favorite parts about T(OUR), giving people the freedom and opportunity to share whatever story they feel they need to tell.

JU: How did you start the magazine – what was the genesis? And why did you want to start it?

CS: Believe it or not, T(OUR) started with my Mom and Dad. My parents are very religious and I think they originally didn’t know what to do when I said I was gay. There wasn’t a PFLAG nearby, and they aren’t part of a gay-friendly community. They didn’t know who to talk to, where to ask questions, how to talk about having a queer daughter.

I started T(OUR) so people could have a space to ask those questions, to share those stories; T(OUR) was my own storytelling PFLAG in the beginning. My Mom actually wrote an essay for the debut issue where she talks about having a gay daughter and what that’s meant for her faith and her family. It was the first opportunity she had to not only think about that experience in a comprehensive way, but then share it with others. There’s so much empowerment there. I love what our writers have done with T(OUR).

JU: Has continuing the magazine improved your relationship with your parents? What was it like coming out to them given your knowledge of who you were and the religious aspects of your background?

CS: Yes, the magazine has continued to improve my relationship with my parents. It has given them the opportunity to talk about the LGBTQ community and to become comfortable with those conversations. Five years ago, I never would have thought I’d ever hear my mom say something like, “And what does your partner do?” or “Are you going out with the lesbian girls later?” It’s incredible.

Coming out was very hard. I imagine coming out to your parents is hard for everyone, but the religion thing definitely changed the playing field. I was never afraid my folks would disown me, but I was afraid they would treat me differently. Be more polite instead of sincere. Think of me as their gay daughter instead of their daughter. For a while, it did ruin our relationship; I didn’t understand how to talk about my life and they didn’t understand how to ask. But now, my sexuality is my most prized possession, and has become a source of joy for my parents as well. I think they can tell that I was never as happy in the closet as I am as an out and proud activist. They’re still getting used to all the gay jokes, though.

JU: Is it that your sexuality is your most prized possession? Or that the open pride you can have about your sexuality is most prized?

CS: My sexuality is my most prized possession. I love being queer, and being a part of the queer community. I suppose being open about it is definitely empowering, but the fact that I am gay is what I love.

JU: What are the things you cherish most about your life since coming out? And how might T(OUR) factor into this?

CS: Three things that I cherish about my life since coming out: 1) sharing my experiences with my family, 2) using my past to help me create opportunities for those with similar backgrounds, and 3) writing about the drastic change between being 15 and being 25. I went from living in a conservative Midwest town as a Catholic girl who dated nice boys to living in an amazingly diverse West Coast community as a lesbian activist whose religion is now honesty and love. T(OUR) is the culmination of these factors. With the magazine, I can create opportunities for others to tell their stories, share my community with my family, and write about it. I never thought I’d end up here, doing what I’m doing. I’m incredibly grateful.

JU: Can you share a specific story about what it was like being the 15-year old you?

CS: I had a crush on my brother’s girlfriend. She was smart, funny, beautiful. I loved her laugh. I was so jealous that my brother got to kiss her and hold her hand and I didn’t. But I couldn’t tell anyone! Because as far as anyone knew, I was madly in love with a guy in my circle of friends. On the one hand, pretending to have feelings for some boy made it easier to hide being gay. On the other hand, it made it almost unbearable to keep my real feelings to myself. I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t let anyone know. That was pretty rough.

I’d like to say that there’s only been one time I’ve had a crush on a close friend/family member’s girlfriend, but that was pretty much the story of my life from 5th grade through junior year of college, when I slowly came out. I never acted on anything, of course. I never even breathed a word of any hidden emotions. But looking back on those middle school and high school years, I’m not quite sure how I could stand it!

JU: What’s next for T(OUR)? What are your plans for the future?

CS: T(OUR) is about to undergo some really wonderful changes so that we can be more accessible. Folks can look out for some new and unique opportunities to have their voices heard, and to interact with the Seattle writing community. We’ll post all the updates to our Facebook and Twitter pages in the coming weeks.