There are lots of phrases that appear over and over on Tinder that make me wonder if we really are all speaking the English language. Because while you’re saying one thing, I’m hearing something…else.

“Positive vibes only, please.”
No emotions, please.

“Work hard, play harder.”
Pi Kappa Phi

“I know how to treat a woman right.”
I don’t know how to treat a woman like a human being.

“Boyfriend material.”
All women want the same thing, and that thing is me.

“Willing to lie about where we met.”
I’m ashamed women won’t date me IRL.

“Looking for casual fun.”
Sex. Not mini-golf.

“I have traditional values.”
Women shouldn’t have the right to vote.

“I like girls who wear skirts and dresses.”
Women shouldn’t be allowed to wear pants.

“Your dad will love me.”
Men should make decisions for women.

“Can anyone keep up with me?”
I suck.

“SEAHAWKS! Fitness. Beer.”
Me caveman. You meat.

“Marriage material.”
My girl friends tell me this when I cry about how lonely I am.

“Don’t take things so serious.”
Plz don’t burden me with your “thoughts.”

“Take a risk once in a while.”
I don’t look like my pictures / might murder you.

“Life’s too short.”
I will shorten your life by murdering you.

“I only date smart women.”
I think most women are dumb. I believe most women can’t carry on a conversation and don’t operate at the same intellectual level as me. They’re also bad at driving and math and shouldn’t be allowed to be president because they might have their period and press that red button. I’m a misogynist.